SO, here I present a present for the present, a tedious brief One Act I wrote for one of my classes that has actually had a couple performances outside of class.
Not only do I post it here for you all to read and gaze in mirth at how clever I am, but, If you so wish, take it and perform it yourself, should you be so inclined. If you know me IRL I would love for you to contact me to help and translate and "co-direct" in a manner of speaking. Or even if we are far afield of each other, feel free to contact me and ask about any difficulties you might have with the script.
I also realize I mention certain things and suggest certain music that I do not have the rights too. So, I give this as an open source sort of piece and should you modify it for profit, please inform me should you project to make, or actually make, over $500 gross profits, as I would like some compensation.
And, Without further frippery, I give you, a part of my stage brain . . .
F.T.W.
Tony Elfson
SCENE 1
We see a dark room. Only the glow of screens illuminate the handful of figures. The glow are from a television, a couple laptops and hand held devices. There appears to be a table the figures are assembled around.
MC Frontalot's “Shame of the Otaku” plays through the darkness. As the song finishes we hear one of the figures speak.
KAWAI: This world has walls, a ceiling.
Outside, cars drive by.
The sunlight roasts my flesh.
Even a bird who chases a rainbow
finds itself blindsided by a plane.
This world has walls, a ceiling.
With the glow of our LCD screens,
we greet the morning.
IRL, lacking the sun,
we have no need for the sky
She repeats it once and says “Thank you” at the end.
The lights are flicked on by SHAYNA and we can see the table. Table top RPG books and other geek paraphernalia litter the tableau.
The D.M., a soft spoken pillar of geekery, sits at the head of the table. KAWAI, a cute lil thing, is an anime geek. MEME, loud and obnoxious, only speaks in Internet phenomena. GLENN, unassuming but clever. SHAYNA, not mean but definitely gets to the point.
GLENN: Heh. Thanks for the translation. I still like Front's Secrets From the Future better.
SHAYNA: wuthefug are you guys sitting the dark? I cant see the battle grid. Damn. D.M., where were we?
MEME: It is pitch dark. You are likely to be eaten by a Grue.
D.M.: Actually, yes Meme. The group has ascended into the cavern and there are no sources of light, other than Kawai's wizards staff. (he motions to her) 
KAWAI: Hikari! Light. What do we see?
D.M.: You see a long hallway stretching off into the darkness, there are doors lining it . . .
MEME: Its a trap!
SHAYNA: Good idea. Glenn, you take second in marching order so Meme can search for traps.
D.M.: Alright, Meme, roll search.
GLENN: Hey Kawai, can I talk to you for a sec? Um. Help me in the kitchen? I can never find the cheetos.
KAWAI: Hai! We get root beer Bawls too.
The two get up and head out of the room.
SCENE 2
Optimus Rhyme's “Anxiety” plays for about a minute. KAWAI sits on counter eating cheetos, swinging legs back and forth. GLENN paces with an energy drink in his hand.
GLENN: You and D.M. Have been together for a while now? How did you guys start?
KAWAI: Hee hee. He was cosplaying as Ichiro from Magical Love Gentleman and I was Ginja, the magical cat/rabbit princess, so I followed him around as part of his outfit and we've been together ever since.
GLENN: Okay . . then how do you think I should ask Shayna out? Or should I? Sometimes she can be.
KAWAI: Gomennasai.
Honestly, Glenn, I wouldn't worry about it. I have faith in you. You will find a good time and I think she will say yes.
GLENN: Thanks. We should probably get back in there. How many times do you think Meme tripped the traps?
KAWAI: (Hopping off counter) No. The question is how many times did Shayna actually rez him?
SCENE 3
MC RSI's “Gamer's ParaDice” plays as the group reassembles in the gaming room.
Same as end of scene 1.
SHAYNA: Looks like we found that Warlord's Lair. Get in here Glenn, we need our frontliner.
GLENN: I thought Meme was gonna tank this one? Mr. I-do-6d6-damage? Eh?
MEME: (looks up bewildered) Do not want!
D.M.: The room appears empty, but you notice that the coals in the hearth are still warm and several other cues have you believe he may be back soon.
KAWAI: Quickly guy's we can ambush him! I extinguish my light spell.
SHAYNA: Not all of us have darkvision. I pull out my sunrod.
GLENN: But our two big damage dealers do, Kawai & Meme. I douse Shayna's sunrod.
KAWAI: No, she has a point, you need to be his first target. Hikari!
D.M.: Kawai's light spell comes back on.
MEME: No, The Cheat! We had that light switch installed so you could turn the light on, and off. Not so you could throw light switch raves.
GLENN: Alright then. Let me think.
MEME: (rolls some dice) GAY! (throws a die into a corner in disgust) Who responsible this?
SHAYNA: (leans over) Here let me do a search check. 27! What do I find.
D.M.: You notice there is a section of the wall that is actually made of cloth and plaster, not stone. You open it and see a large pulsating gem. It does not appear to be attached to anything. Do you pick it up?
GLENN: Just in case, I close the door to the room and keep an ear to it.
D.M.: okay, make 2 listen checks for me. Shayna?
SHAYNA: I pick it up and examine it. I make a spellcraft check . . . 31! HA!
GLENN: 17 & 22
D.M.: On 17 you hear rustling from down the hallway . .
GLENN: I crack the door open and look out . .
D.M.: Oh, Shayna, with that check, you KNOW that this is a spirit vessel, and that if it is destroyed, The Warlord will perish.
KAWAI: Knowledge Arcana, 33! How do we break it?
D.M: Glenn, when you crack the door open all you see is darkness, but you hear heavy breathing and the sound of a man in armor coming down the hallway.
MEME: LEEE ROOYY!!
GLENN: No, Meme. Wait!
MEME: I attack the darkness!
SHAYNA: Wait! Kawai, how?
D.M.: The ancient legends you've studied say that the “ Lord of War's heart of stone” can only be broken by “the first of four.” From what you remember, “The first of four” is a young warrior who travels with an elven sorceress, a gnome thief, and a cleric of the amazon goddess. “The first, need only strike the heart, to slay the Lord of War”
KAWAI: Glenn! Hit the gem!
GLENN: What?
MEME: FOR GREAT JUSTICE!
KAWAI: I tell the rest of the group!
D.M.: As you explain that info . .
SHAYNA: as she explains I put the gem on the far table form the door and move Glenn to it.
GLENN: I move as she grabs me.
D.M.: You hear a voice from the doorway, “You have found my sanctum! I'm surprised you made it this far. But, after all we've been through together, this game of cat and mice . I'm . . .
MEME: Never gonna give you up! Never gonna let you down! Never gonna run around and DESERT YOU!!!
SHAYNA, GLENN, KAWAI: Shut up Meme!
D.M.: I'm going to crush you all!”
GLENN: Did Kawai finish explaining it?
D.M.: um, yes.
GLENN: I attack the gem.
D.M.: Glenn, make an attack roll against 12 and tell me damage, everyone make Fortitude saves as well.
GLENN: Crit, 42 damage! Fort save, 19
SHAYNA: 10
KAWAI: 21
MEME: OVER NINE THOUSAND!!!
SHAYNA: He got a natural twenty.
D.M.: Shayna: you take 62 damage, everyone else takes 31, and Glenn, as you feel the blade strike the gem, it feels as if you are striking through a hard, viscous goo, but you manage to slide your edge through all the way to the table. As you do you are greeted with a disgusting smell of rotting flesh and burning bones. You all hear a violent scream of rage form The Warlord as you are all suddenly swept over by a wave of purple-black necrotic energy. If I'm correct, your all unconscious, except Glenn? (Everyone nods) Glenn, you see The Warlord drop and wither away as his skin and bones turn to dust, only his armor, clothes and weapons remain.
The group is all grins, the girls jump up and hug. The next two lines happen at once)
MEME: Two girls one cup!
GLENN: I jump over to Shayna and force a vial of Cure serious into her mouth!
Kawai jumps back from Meme as if he had the plague and Shayna gives him a look that could melt iron.
D.M.: She's conscious. And I assume the two of you heal the others.
SHAYNA: Not Meme.
MEME: Blizz, why no love for rouge?
GLENN: I'll get him.
D.M.: Gratz, you have successfully defeated The Warlord, and thats the end of my Campaign (he holds up a book with a picture on it)
MEME: (points at the picture triumphantly) “THE GAME! BITCH! YOU LOSTED IT!”
SHAYNA: Sweet, I'm starving, lets get grub.
MEME: I can haz . . .
D.M.: Meme?
GLENN: Actually Shayna, I was thinking R.J.'s.
SHAYNA: Cool, (to the rest) you guys cool with that?
MEME: The cake . . (Kawai kicks Meme under the table or perhaps withering look) iiis, a lie!Uh, The Internet is for Porn. (Meme then gets up and leaves)
KAWAI: Yeah, you guys go ahead, D.M. And I have to get to work on our Costumes for SGISCon. Is it okay if Glenn, gets you home instead?
Glenn nods furiously behind Shayna
SHAYNA: I guess so. (She turns around, he splits into a grin just in time) Split a desert?
D.M. Woo, look at my wrist! Come on, Kawai, lets go! (he grabs his laptop and his girl and leaves)
KAWAI: (as she's beeing dragged) Ja-ne!
GLENN: Actually. My treat?
SHAYNA: Sure, on one condition?
GLENN: Yeah?
SHAYNA: After dinner . . we go back to your place . .. and I kick your butt at Back Ally Brawl 5!
Glenn just grins widely as Doctor Awkward's “LAN Party” plays.
End
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