Damn, I want a childhood. maybe just for a year would be nice. Have someone else pay the bills and not feel guilty about it. Maybe have an allowance, or even just keep my paychecks for myself. Then I could buy all these goodies I want so I could be sub-culturally awesome, such as nerdcore albums, ACTUALLY support music I want to support instead of pirating from musicians I want to give money to, as well as buying equipment and clothes, for everyday as well as construction on various costumes, and . . ah yes, a lightsabre.. It would give me time to work on several projects I've neglected for almost a decade now, not to mention the ones more recently to find a home in my skull. Do some shows without having to worry about when I'm getting up for class or whether or not I will be able to do homework during rehearsal.
I don't often sit back and realize, that I am a full time student with two part time jobs trying to live on my own. and yet, I still live with SOMEONES parents, and am barely able to keep my bills in check. High school needs to teach how to survive, or something. My fiance is as smart as any person i know, but shes had a seven year head start on me and shes in even deeper than I am. Quite frankly, this is bullshit and i want a cheat code, or a reset button, or something.
Alas. this real world stuff is crap, but its something we all share in common. some-odd billion people do it everyday, why does it feel so difficult to me?
It's also a challenge to try and pull yourself half way through your social circle. I never considered it when i was in high school even, but ever since college, it hit me that I was lower-middle class at best, eating weenie soup and thinking it a grand event any time we took recycling in because that meant MickeyD's for lunch. Now I'm very good friends with people who have no idea what it's like to live with your grandma, your aunt, your mother all in a two bedroom apartment on the shady side of town, with your grandma sleeping in the living room on the coach even though she's the one paying the rent, having her pain pills wear off at 530 AM so she takes two more, gets up and goes to work, where she deals with other KIDS problems, inner city misfits worse off than me, and attempts to put them on career paths. Seeing your mothers face drop into blanch shock as you blab "what about grandma? she lives with us?" when the social worker asks her if anyone lives with the two of you because answering "no" would mean more food stamps to feed you. Than not understanding why there wont be a treat of The Golden Arches or even the hot dog cart out front, because you told the lady something wrong. taught me children were to be seen and not heard, not that i had screwed myself and my mother for the next year. ah well, when you're young, you learn differently.
Oh damn, i rambled. anyway, i guess that's why its a rant, well. Geoshities is going down soon, so this will most likely go up on . . i dunno, *shudder* maybe myspace, hopefully a REAL site, ty to epyon avenger.
-H4773r done . . . for now
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
An old R4n7 (4/16/09)